Oh How He Loves Us . . .

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane,
I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,Oh how He loves.

When all else fails us, he's love still remains strong. We may not feel it, we may not know it's there, but it is. His love will never leave us, no matter what we go through, it is always right there. Through the thick and thin, his love remains strong.

Thank you for this love, thank you for endlessly pouring it out on me.
I love you, and i know you love me.

All I Need is YOU . . .

Left my fear by the side of the road. . . i don't want to be afraid anymore. . .
Hear You speak . . . please be that wishper. . .
Won't let go . . . please help me to not let go. . .
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray
Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

ALL I NEED IS YOU
ALL I NEED IS YOU LORD
IS YOU LORD!!!!

God, i can't do this on my own anymore, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ON MY OWN ANYMORE!!! I'm tried of not feeling your love, i'm tried of getting in the way of your love, please Lord, i need you, i need you to come, and i need you to help me. You are my God, you have so much in store, and God i don't want to miss out on anything. Please come, and please help me. Please fill this empty part of my heart with your love, with your peace, with your comfort, please Lord, i need you.

ALL I NEED IS YOU
ALL I NEED IS YOU LORD
IS YOU LORD!!!!

Joy in the little things . . .

A new year has begun, meaning a new year of memories have begun. Some i'd rather push aside, some i'm glad i have. I walked onto campus for the first time, to be confronted by the one person who turned my world upside down last year. Now this wasn't this persons personal choice, but it came with their job, and i wish i could say that i didn't look at them differently because of it, but i do, i try not to, but i do. But it's getting better, it's not as gut wrenching as it was before, it's getting bearable to an extent now.

This semester we're talking about Phillippians and the whole theme of this book is joy - joy in the simple things. That is something i hadn't had for a while. But slowly it is coming back, slowly i find myself smiling and the stupid little things that i use to smile at before my life was changed. I'm able to laugh, and not feel guilty about it, and it's a laugh that isn't fake anymore, it's a laugh that is real, coming from deep in me, it's laugh's and smile's that have just been dying to get out, but i would hold in, but no more.

I was fighting it soo much, and then after talking with a close friend, i realized it was ok to let it go, that it was ok to stand there and let him and others love me. That i don't have to do this on my own anymore, there are people who are more then willing to help me out, more then willing to sit with me on the days when all i want to do is cry, or when all i want to do is talk about him, laugh about him, that no matter what, they are there, and they will alwayas be there along with God.

I wish i could say i was there, to the point where i was ok with what happened, but i'm not. I still have loads of questions, i still wish that it didn't happen, and that i had my brother with me, but each and everyday, i am learning more and more. I am learning how despite the pain i am feeling inside, i can still have joy, i can still laugh. The pain will never leave me, but as the days go on, with the help of my friends and God i am learning to bear it, and find joy in it.

And yet another new beginning . . .

another summer has come and gone, which means it's time for a new school year - a new beginning. heading into this year, i've tried to have a open mind, and be willing to do all that He wants me to do, but i'll be honest, i'm scared. last year brought so much, a lot of tears and a lot of struggles, and i'm afraid that this year is going to be the same. i'm trying to rest in the fact that i am being taken care of, that he has everything already planned out for me even before i think about doing it. he knows each and everything that is going to happen to me this year, and while its scary, it's also reassuring that in the end it will all work out, i just have to trust him.

this is a new beginning, this is a new day. and no matter what happens, at the end of the day, i am being taken care of. he will never leave my side. the world may leave me standing here a lot, but he won't. so as scared as i am for this year, if i go in him and trust in him, i will be fine.

I believe . . .

I trust in you . . .
I believe your my healer . . .
I believe you are all i need . . .
I believe your my portion . . .
I believe your more then enough for me . . .
Jesus your all i need!!!!

The other night i was upstairs, and i thought you were going to be there.
This morning i woke up and i thought you were going to be there. It's been months, yet some days it seems like it was just yesterday that it happened. Sometimes i wonder when will the pain go away, when will i feel ok. Then it hit me, the pain will never go away, the tears will probably never stop, but i will begin to learn how to live with it, because, Jesus is my healer. He's the one who heals all wounds, he is all i need!! There isn't anything that is not possible with his help.

Some days i sit here, and wish soo bad that i had someone i could talk to. Someone who would just understand how I'm feeling, and while my person nature wishes that someone was a physical person, most often it is not. People have busy lives, so most times I'm left on my own, and I'll admit at first it was hard, but I've learned and I'm still learning that, He's always there for me. People will always come and go, people will always have other things to do, other places to be, but He will never leave my side, no matter what.

This past year, I've been hurt pretty bad, from a lot of different angles in my life, and it's left me pretty beaten and bruised, but it has also left me stronger. At first i didn't see any good, but as the days goes on, little pieces of the picture are being reveled to me. Someone once told me that in order for you to be able to be fixed, you need to be completely broken, and after this past year i was left completely broken, and at first i didn't like it, but now i know that it was needed so that God can make me into the person that i am meant to be. There is a song that says, "The same power that conquered the grave, lives in me, You're love that rescued the earth, lives in me" Powerful words, but yet so true. That same power lives in me, and it's a great responsibility, one that we have to live out each and everyday. No matter how bad we've been hurt, if we fully trust in God and his power then we will overcome it all, because with Him all things are possible. Even the word IMPOSSIBLE says IM POSSIBLE!!!

Yeah, it's been a brutal summer, i cried a lot, i questioned a lot, but i learned a lot. I learned that I'm able to overcome more then i think. I learned that through my brokenness i am able to grow, if i just believe.

I trust in You. I know you are my healer, and i know you are mending me and molding me. Nothing is impossible with you in my life. Jesus you are all that i need.

Closed - OPENED!!

"What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. 8I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name." Revelations 3:7-8

So i took this job on a ranch this summer, thinking it was going to be great, and yeah don't get me wrong it's had it's good moments, but it's had it's hard moments. Moments where i'm left standing wondering why i even took the job in the first place. Why would i want to put myself through a summer where people don't respect me, they don't like me because i'm different, they choose to leave me out when they are planning things, why is all i can ask. That was until i done my devotions the other day.

In a desperate state i cried out to God, i told him i was done with working at the ranch, it was just too hard, and then bang he began to talk and showed me the verse in Revelations. I know it was God would placed me at the ranch this summer, i know there is a reason, but a selected few people were ruining the experience for me. But after i read that verse in Revelations, i realized only God can close this door, they can't do it to me, as much as they want to get rid of me, they can't close a door that the Lord as open.

Yes i hate crying myself to sleep most nights, yes i hate sitting in the corner by myself most days, or eating meals by myself, but i have to remember it's not about those people that think they are better about it, it's about the kids that come there, and God.

There was this little boy at the camp this week and he had ADD and was tagged the "trouble kid" because of it. He would get picked on because he was little and a early incident in the beginning of the week got him more picked out, but today, he helped me realize why i was at camp. As we were talking over to breakfast, he said to his counselor Chris, "Jesus loves you" and Chris's reply was, Jesus loves you too, and this little boy goes, "yes i know he does, and i'm thankful that someone loves me." He said before he came to camp he didn't think anyone loved him, he thought he was a mistake. He was placed in a group home at a young age and don't think he has a purpose, but he said after this week his views have changed. This little kid who thought he was useless gave me the strength to go on, the strength to forget about what the other staff say or think about me, he reminded me that Jesus loves me, and that he loves me just as i am.

God opened this door for me, and only He will be able to close it on me.

Missing you . . .

God saw you getting tired, and a cure was not to be,
so he put his arms around you, and whispered "Come to me".
with tearful eyes i think of you, not knowing what to say.
although i love you dearly, i could not make you stay.
a golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest,
God broke my hearts to prove to us,
that he only takes the BEST!

The other day i found a painting you done when you were probably 3, i can remember the day so clearly, you were sitting in your chair with my new kids on the block slippers, your mommy knows best sweater, and your cute glasses, i remember this was one of the rare times that we saw you smile - i miss your smile. I miss the way you would scrunch up your nose when i would touch it , i miss sitting across from you and just watching you, i miss everything about you. It's been close to 9 months, since you've been gone, but sometimes it just seems like yesterday. I know you are in a better place, running around, doing it all, and one day i will see you again, but until then, your memories is what gets me by. i miss you buddie.

It's all worth it in the end . . .

So my life the last week and a bit, has been well on a ranch. Quite the interesting place i tell ya. I do everything there, and when i say everything i mean everything. From washing dishes to cutting the grass, from cooking to cleaning the toilets, from painting a wagon to washing down the walls, and the list goes on, and yeah i'll admit while i was cleaning the filthy washroom, i was doing everything but smiling (literally turned my stomach). At that moment in time, i wasn't liking my life very much, and wished i was somewhere else, besides on my hands and knees scrubbing a rotten toilets. But a little while after i had completed this "wonderful" task, my eyes were open by a 5 year old. I was sitting on the step, pretty much hating my life, and she comes up to me, and says, "you did a great job today, here's a sucker for you" - she had this huge smile on her face. She said thank you for making the washroom clean for us. At that moment, it made it worth it, just to see the smile on her face.

This summer, i'm probably going to clean another few rotten toilets, wash more dishes, but in the end it will be worth it, seeing the smiles on the kids faces that come through the camp. Some of these kids come from pretty crummy homes and lifestyles, and this is our chance to give them a awesome week, and if that means i have to clean dirty toilets for hours, i'll do it, because in the end it's worth it.

My eyes had been opened by a 5 year, time to quit the complaining and be thankful for being able to clean a toilet, it might sound gross, but there are some people out there who probably wish they could do it, instead of being unable to. It's so easy to complaining rather then just doing the work, but next time i'm not gong to be as quick to complain about the hard work i have to do each day, but be thankful that i'm able to do it, because in the end, it will be worth it.

In the end . . . the dishes will be done . . . the grass will be cut . . . the food will be cooked . . . the toilets will be cleaned . . . the wagons will all be painted . . . and the walls will be clearned . . . in the end, lives will be touched . . . in the end, lives will be changed . . . in the end, it will be worth it.

Crafted in your Hands

I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, Mould me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand

God this summer is yours - to do as you please. I'm open and willing to do as you have called me to do. Weather it's cleaning toilets for hours a day, washing dishes, being with the kids, i'm willing to do it. I know i've complained a lot the last little while, but i'm ready to change, i want to change.

I'm like a fresh blot of molding, ready and willing to be molded again. so Lord, take me, mould me, use me, fill me. I give my life to you.

Dream

Last night i had a dream, and it was one of those dreams that while it scared me, still have some comfort to it. I was standing in a field, and it was night. I was sitting their myself, and reading my bible (which to me was a surprise) As i was reading my bible, people started to come around me, some people i knew and others i've never met before. At first they didn't say anything, they just walked past me, but then all of a sudden its like i could feel a cool breeze down my back, and i turned around to see someone i didn't know stand there. they began to swipe at me and try to hit me and knock my bible away, and once they got it free form my hands, they dragged me to my feet, where the others that where walking around began to circle me. So here i am in the middle of a circle surrounded by some familiar faces and some that i didn't know. They called me everything, each one of them had something horrible to say about me, they hit me, and would laugh when they saw tears going down my face, i'd fall to the ground and they would pick me up and keep hitting at me. I was so scared, and wanted to wake up soo bad, but i wasn't able to. Why were they doing this to me, what did i do. And on the last time, someone hit my legs and they buckled and i fell to the ground face first, i wasn't able to get back up, and then all of a sudden i felt a tap on my shoulder, and i was too scared to look up, i wasn't able to take any more beating. The tapping continued until i finally looking up, and it was you, and you had tears in your eyes and you said, don't worry, it's going to be ok, i'm here, you're ok now. I just sat there, and you gave me a hug and i cried, i cried with everything in me, and the whole time you sat there rocking back and forth with me, letting me know i was safe, then you looked at me, and it's something i'll never forget, it seemed so real, you said, Everyday you will come against people who try to tear you down, but don't let them get to you, know who you are, and know how you are in Christ. Then you took hold of my hand, and said no matter what, you'll never leave my side, that you love me. Then you gave me a hug, took my hand and said you would sit with me until i feel asleep. I honestly thought someone was holding my hand. After that if was one of my most peaceful sleeps in a long time.

I'm sitting here crying as i write this, the dream blew me away, it felt so real, i really thought you were here with me. You honestly don't know how much you are impacting me, really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. thank you for always being there and willing to comfort me and help me. By you being open and willing, God is using you to bring peace back into my life, thank you. I asked God to somehow show me he was with me, and that things were going to be ok, he chose to use you, and i'm glad.

It just goes to show, that no matter what we face, no matter what we go through, no matter the beating we get, he is right there tapping at our shoulders, telling us it's going to be ok, that he is there with us, and he'll stay with us. While my dream was soo scary, i'm glad it happened, gave me reassurance that God is with me.

What very few know . . .

What very few know is that most nights i cry myself to sleep . . .
What very few know is that i have a heart that is pretty much broken . . .
What very few know is that i long to be happy again, true happiness . . .
What very few know is that sometimes i'm not sure how much longer i can go on like this . . .

My life that little while, while yeah i've had some very good moments, i've also had some very low moments. Everyday i'm hearing what a horrible person i am, how terrible i treat people, how i only care about myself, and what makes me happy, how i'm drawing youth away from our church, how i'm here to serve, not to lead. everyday there is something new or someone new tearing me down, and there is only so much a person is able to take, there is only so many tears to cry. When will this end? When will they see how much they are hurting me? When i'm down on the ground and unable to get back up again? Will the be happy then? Or will they continue to lash out at me like i'm some kind of horrible animal. Yes i know there is a cost in being a disciple of Christ, but never did i imagine it to me like this, never did i imagine my church to tear me down and hurt me this much. God, where are you? What are you doing? Why is this happening?

I'm on my knees, i'm not able to even stand anymore, please please, just come, Please open their eyes and show them what they are doing, please. God, i know there sometimes is a cost to follow you, and yes i'm willing to go through whatever, but please, just help, please just come, wrap me in your presence.

Through all this it makes me think of everything you had to go through us, all the heart ache, all the tearing down, people always saying stuff to you and about you, and yet you took it all so that i could sit here, so that i could live. Blows me away, the cost wasn't too much for you, and it's not going to be too much for me. But please, just open their eyes and let them see their actions, and please if i'm out of line, show me as well. Please help me to love them, despite how i feel.

My True . . .

A true friend sticks with you through the good times, and the bad times . . . (the tears and the laughs - so many)
A true friend isn't afraid to say what you might not want to hear . . . (step out more - listen to others)
A true friend looks from the inside out and doesn't judge you by a glance . . . (accepted me as me)
A true friend will stick by you even when you take a stance . . . (dealing with grief)
A true friend loves you for who YOU ARE and not what you could be . . . (never once did i have to change ME)
A true friend should be closely cherished because only a few exist . . . (you are one of a kind)

Some one asked me the other day that if i found out i was dying, what would be 3 things i'd like to do before i died those 3 things are :
1. Let my family know how much i love them and appreciate them . . .
2. Make sure they have a understanding of who God is, and how much he loves them . . .
3. Make sure my friends - like you - know how much you've changed my life, how much joy you've brought to me, how much laughter . . .

You've changed my life. There is no other way to put it. Never in my wildest dreams did i ever imagine having a friend like you. A friend, that no matter what i'm dealing with, no matter what i'm going through, stays right by my side. There are soooo many miles keeping us apart, yet you still do everything in your power to make sure i have a smile on my face daily - to me that means everything. God has for sure blessed me soo much with this friendship - leaves me in awe wondering how did i deserve someone as great as you in my life - you don't know the honor it is - really.

True friends are hard to come by, sometimes its like looking for a needle in a haystack, makes you tired, disappointed at times, and after searching for so long, after a while you just want to give up - BUT you don't, and then the moment comes when you actually find the needle and the joy it brings you - joy that really has no words - you are my needle in the haystack - and each and everyday you bring joy to my life - each and everyday you teach me - you are my needle, you are my true, you are my friend.

To the world you may simply be one person, but to one person, you may be the world!!
Thank you for being my true.

His Comfort.

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

At some point in all our lives we come up against the feeling of fear. Fear is one of those uncomfortable emotions, one that we would be happy to get rid of with the blink of an eye. It causes our hearts to race, our focus of attention to narrow and terrible possibilities begin to enter into our minds. I don't know about anyone else, but i wish i was just able to banish fear from my heart by my mere will power and just simply stop being afraid, but unfortunately it doesn't work like that for fear, you're not able to dismiss it that easy.

In the above text, there is just something about it that leaves us with this uncomfortable feeling. It's like the words, "do not fear" are a mere command that God is placing out there. It's our job to obey God, and when he says "do not fear," we should obey, but sometimes, no matter how hard we try not to be afraid, we cannot seem to make our fears go away.

The key to understanding this text is to see that when God says, "do no dear," it's not a simply command that he is placing on us as an authority figure. Those three words are words that are spoken with soo much comfort behind them. Just as they are spoken with comfort, following it comes a promise of God's presence being with us, in our times of fear. Just like a loving parent who speaks to their child who wakes up from having a bad dream, they say, "Don't be afraid, I'm here with you, you are safe." The parent isn't rejecting the child's fear, they are giving them a promise of protection. Now if the parent was to say, "Don't be afraid," then the child will learn quickly that the parent doesn't understand that the child is feeling scared and unprotected.

God comforts us in the way that a loving parent comforts a frightened child. God says to us, "I know your afraid; but i also want you to know that I am here with you. I will not leave you, I will give you strength, I will hold your hand so taht you will not fall."

God, you know how often I'm afraid, and you know where these fears have grown from, and you know how much i struggle with wanting to be free from these fears. Please help me to grain the courage and strength from your presence to overcome these fears. Please be with me. Please help me. Please uphold me with your hand.

God it's only now that i'm beginning to feel you more, please show yourself real to me despite the fears i have inside of me. I know your there, I know you haven't left me, and that you never will. God I need you, I want to have more of you in my life. LESS OF ME, AND MORE OF YOU!!!

The Enemy has been Defeated!!!

"The enemy has been defeated,
death couldn't hold him down,
we're going to lift our voice in victory,
going to make our praises loud,
BECAUSE THE ENEMY HAS BEEN DEFEATED!!"

No longer a hold on my life, no longer will your lies and pain fill my life. You've been defeated once again. The hold you were beginning to have on me has been broken, by a much loving and caring hand, a hand that i know will never leave me, nor forsake me. You can't touch me when i am in his presence, and from now on, i'm going to be surrounded by him and he's powerful presence. I've had enough of your lies, enough of the pain that you've tried to place on me, i'm tired of it. YOU'VE BEEN DEFEATED!!! Each and everytime you come up against me and my God, you will be DEFEATED!!

I may not be able to feel God fully, but it is coming back, each and everyday i'm beginning to feel him more. I know he hasn't left me, and i know he will never leave me. He loves me and through this difficult time, he allowed himself to remain a little distant in order for me to grow in my faith and trust. It wasn't all fun and games, but i have learned sooo much, and i wouldn't change anything that has happened. Yes i want me brother here with me, but this was how God planned for it to be. He saw that Edward was hurting, and it ached him, and he wasn't able to take it anymore, so he placed him in a better place, and place where he could hold him in his arms and take care of him, and one day, that will be me holding Edward in my arms again.

It's crazy how when your heart is breaking, you tend to learn the most if you allow yourself. I've heard it many times before, "it's in the valley where you grow", but now i have a great appreciation for it. This past year has been a "valley year", but it's been a growing year. I grew in my character, i grew in my understanding of God and he's perfect peace that surpasses all understandings. I'll admit i didn't always enjoy the "valley times," but i know htey were essential for the development of my character. And i thank God for those times, because it drew me closer to him, although i wasn't able to feel him, his presence never left me.

While this past year has been a growing year, so will this summer. With a new experience ahead of me i look forward to my "god teaching moments." Moments where i'm able to simply bask in his love and peace, moments where i just stand in awe of all he has done and created, moments where i'm able to show his love and teachings, moments where i am just simply loved unconditional by him.

Here's to the beginning of a new roller coaster ride!

The fear of the unknown ...

i sit here fighting the feeling of being lost in a place of unknown. a place i've seem to be stuck in lately, a place i never wanted to be. everyday i search for answer, but none seem to come. will i ever know? will i ever find myself in all that is going on? will i ever see the good that is being hidden beneath all the bad? so many questions, but yet all the answer remain unknown - so far away from me. i just want to feel peace again.

being lost isn't a good feel, it isn't comfortable. you're stuck in these unfamiliar situations that you'd rather not be in. it is in these uncomfortable situations that your faith is put to the test. you are in a place of unknown where your faith is being tested from all angles, and sometimes your faith wins, but sometimes your emotions get the better of you. i wish i could say i was the type of person who has their faith win out over their feelings, but i'm not, i'm far from it. i'm striving to make it better, but it's something that doesn't happen over night.

i'm incomplete, everything about me is a work in progress. this fear of the unknown while very painful at times, is vital to my character building. if we went around knowing what was going to happen each and everyday, we'd have a pretty boring life. now i'll admit, i hate not knowing, but i'm not sure if i would be able to handle knowing some of the things that might happen, or why somethings happened like they did.

there are soo many questions i'd like answered, there are soo many questions i want to ask, but sometimes they just seem to go up in the air. i'm standing here yelling, but yet no one seems to hear me. am i not being loud enough? or am i just not asking the right questions. everything about me wants to know God more. i want to know him on a level, that when i speak, his words just flow out of me. i want to be his hands and feet, go and do as he did. change lives as he did. but yet i find myself lost in the unknown, farthest from his great works.

i know this girl who has one of the strongest characters i've seen in a person. she's a girl after god's own heart. if you want to see god light shine out of someone, just go be with her. yeah, she's not perfect, and she'll be the first to admit that, but each and everyday, she strives to be more like him in all that she does. and yeah she she probably gets frustrated at times, and would probably want to take the easy way out, but yet she knows that with taking the hard way, comes the glory. this girl is worth while knowing. i wasn't able to feel god this past year a whole lot, but i for sure saw his love shine through her. he used her in a way that helped me get through some pretty rough moments. and through it all she was a open and willing vessel. a true person, a true friend. a true walking example of jesus here on earth.

god, you know i don't like this feeling of not knowing what's going on. i don't like not feeling you, or hearing from you. am i just not listening enough? am i doing something wrong? please, i need you soo much. i need an outpouring of you in my life, i WANT an outpouring of you in my life, please, don't be silent and hidden anymore, i'm ready to flee from the unknown and come into the known with you!!!! please, come near to me.

Spider Web

When you think about it, your life is kinda like a spider web, soo many different layers. My life right now, is full of different layers, layers that not too many people see. Yeah there are ones out in the front that are kinda visible to others, but the ones that are lying close to the middle, are ones, that while i would like some people to see, i'm afraid to show, afraid it might turn them off, afraid it might hurt me too much exposing it. My life the last year has been a wind whirled of emotions, and the easiest thing to do was build up another layer so no one could get in, that way you're not able to get hurt anymore. But really, all your really doing is hurting yourself more, by putting up these layers. There are people out there who really do care enough to push past the first couple of layers to get to those "hurting" layers.
As I said this has been a hard year, and it feels like half the time I'm just left there standing yelling, "WHY". Just when I think I have it all together, BANG, something else comes along to knock me down, and makes me lose my footing again. I know it's not for me to question why, but sometimes I really wish I knew why things happened like they did. Like why didn't I get the chance to say goodbye to my brother, why didn't I get to tell him I loved him one last time. You see, we always think that we will get tomorrow, we don't comprehend that tomorrow might not come, well, it didn't come for me, I didn't get to say that last goodbye, the last I love you. It eats away at me everyday, as much as I try to get away from it, it's still there. It's yet another layer to my web.
I read something on a friends blog (hope you don't mind me using it) - "Hurts make us cry, hurts make us saddened, hurts make us not have faith, hurts make us not want to try again, hurts make you feel hollow." To a tea, that is me. My hurt has eaten me up. Half the time i don't have the energy to try again, nor do i want to try again, because in the end, the hurt is still there. It's always going to be there. You're not here with me, how can i not hurt? Sometimes I find myself asking God, why are you letting me hurt like this? And I know it's to produce more faith and trust in him, but this hurt if dragging me down, almost at times to bearable to handle. And i know i should hand it over to you, but just as i said in the beginning, i have these layers built up, and if i let go, i risk the chance of getting hurt more. I should trust you more, i want to trust you more, but i guess i don't know how to. Please help me to trust you more!
I am lucky to have some pretty amazing people in my life, people who while i pushed away, pushed against me, and stood by my side. People who would do anything to see a smile come across my face, even if it meant making them look silly, it didn't matter to them, as long as i was smiling. These people have changed my life, these people, while at first kinda getting stuck in the webbing, pushed there way through, and helped me through my most difficult times. I don't know what i would do without you, i don't know where i would be. When i think of you, tears just fill up in my eyes, how did i get so lucky to have someone like you in my life? What did i do to deserve this? They say friendship is a God given gift, this is one of the greatest gifts he has given me.
I don't know where my life is going, and these layers, i wish i could say they were decreasing, but they're not. It's going to take time, time that right now, i feel i don't really have, but i know God will pull me through, He promised me that. I hurt everyday, i miss you everyday, everyday i ask why? Everyday i become more ok.
To you, i'm sorry i didn't get to say goodbye, i'm sorry you had to hurt. But right now you in such a better place. My heart aches soo much because your not here, but i know i will get to see you again. Just know i love you soo much, and you have changed my life and made me a better person. Thank you little man.
To the other you - you know who you are. You as well have changed me, you've seen me in it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the even real ugly, but yet, you didn't leave, you keep pushing through, and i thank you for that. I don't know what i did to deserve a friend like you, but i am sooo very thankful. I don't even know what to write, seems like there are no words to describe what i'm feeling and how thankful i am. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart thank you for pushing through to get to know the real me behind all these layers. I love you. (There isn't a box big enough to show the love i have for this friendship)
To God - We may not be the closest friends at the most, but we're getting back there. I want to trust you more, i want to know you more, i still can't feel you, but i know you are there, i can see you through my friends. I thank you for that. Thank you for staying by my side.
Yeah i have layers, at times i'm not proud of it, but i know, with time, they will slowly go away, and right now, while i'm hurting, i know, i'm going to be ok.