What very few know . . .

What very few know is that most nights i cry myself to sleep . . .
What very few know is that i have a heart that is pretty much broken . . .
What very few know is that i long to be happy again, true happiness . . .
What very few know is that sometimes i'm not sure how much longer i can go on like this . . .

My life that little while, while yeah i've had some very good moments, i've also had some very low moments. Everyday i'm hearing what a horrible person i am, how terrible i treat people, how i only care about myself, and what makes me happy, how i'm drawing youth away from our church, how i'm here to serve, not to lead. everyday there is something new or someone new tearing me down, and there is only so much a person is able to take, there is only so many tears to cry. When will this end? When will they see how much they are hurting me? When i'm down on the ground and unable to get back up again? Will the be happy then? Or will they continue to lash out at me like i'm some kind of horrible animal. Yes i know there is a cost in being a disciple of Christ, but never did i imagine it to me like this, never did i imagine my church to tear me down and hurt me this much. God, where are you? What are you doing? Why is this happening?

I'm on my knees, i'm not able to even stand anymore, please please, just come, Please open their eyes and show them what they are doing, please. God, i know there sometimes is a cost to follow you, and yes i'm willing to go through whatever, but please, just help, please just come, wrap me in your presence.

Through all this it makes me think of everything you had to go through us, all the heart ache, all the tearing down, people always saying stuff to you and about you, and yet you took it all so that i could sit here, so that i could live. Blows me away, the cost wasn't too much for you, and it's not going to be too much for me. But please, just open their eyes and let them see their actions, and please if i'm out of line, show me as well. Please help me to love them, despite how i feel.