Oh How He Loves Us . . .

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane,
I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,Oh how He loves.

When all else fails us, he's love still remains strong. We may not feel it, we may not know it's there, but it is. His love will never leave us, no matter what we go through, it is always right there. Through the thick and thin, his love remains strong.

Thank you for this love, thank you for endlessly pouring it out on me.
I love you, and i know you love me.

All I Need is YOU . . .

Left my fear by the side of the road. . . i don't want to be afraid anymore. . .
Hear You speak . . . please be that wishper. . .
Won't let go . . . please help me to not let go. . .
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray
Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

ALL I NEED IS YOU
ALL I NEED IS YOU LORD
IS YOU LORD!!!!

God, i can't do this on my own anymore, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ON MY OWN ANYMORE!!! I'm tried of not feeling your love, i'm tried of getting in the way of your love, please Lord, i need you, i need you to come, and i need you to help me. You are my God, you have so much in store, and God i don't want to miss out on anything. Please come, and please help me. Please fill this empty part of my heart with your love, with your peace, with your comfort, please Lord, i need you.

ALL I NEED IS YOU
ALL I NEED IS YOU LORD
IS YOU LORD!!!!

Joy in the little things . . .

A new year has begun, meaning a new year of memories have begun. Some i'd rather push aside, some i'm glad i have. I walked onto campus for the first time, to be confronted by the one person who turned my world upside down last year. Now this wasn't this persons personal choice, but it came with their job, and i wish i could say that i didn't look at them differently because of it, but i do, i try not to, but i do. But it's getting better, it's not as gut wrenching as it was before, it's getting bearable to an extent now.

This semester we're talking about Phillippians and the whole theme of this book is joy - joy in the simple things. That is something i hadn't had for a while. But slowly it is coming back, slowly i find myself smiling and the stupid little things that i use to smile at before my life was changed. I'm able to laugh, and not feel guilty about it, and it's a laugh that isn't fake anymore, it's a laugh that is real, coming from deep in me, it's laugh's and smile's that have just been dying to get out, but i would hold in, but no more.

I was fighting it soo much, and then after talking with a close friend, i realized it was ok to let it go, that it was ok to stand there and let him and others love me. That i don't have to do this on my own anymore, there are people who are more then willing to help me out, more then willing to sit with me on the days when all i want to do is cry, or when all i want to do is talk about him, laugh about him, that no matter what, they are there, and they will alwayas be there along with God.

I wish i could say i was there, to the point where i was ok with what happened, but i'm not. I still have loads of questions, i still wish that it didn't happen, and that i had my brother with me, but each and everyday, i am learning more and more. I am learning how despite the pain i am feeling inside, i can still have joy, i can still laugh. The pain will never leave me, but as the days go on, with the help of my friends and God i am learning to bear it, and find joy in it.

And yet another new beginning . . .

another summer has come and gone, which means it's time for a new school year - a new beginning. heading into this year, i've tried to have a open mind, and be willing to do all that He wants me to do, but i'll be honest, i'm scared. last year brought so much, a lot of tears and a lot of struggles, and i'm afraid that this year is going to be the same. i'm trying to rest in the fact that i am being taken care of, that he has everything already planned out for me even before i think about doing it. he knows each and everything that is going to happen to me this year, and while its scary, it's also reassuring that in the end it will all work out, i just have to trust him.

this is a new beginning, this is a new day. and no matter what happens, at the end of the day, i am being taken care of. he will never leave my side. the world may leave me standing here a lot, but he won't. so as scared as i am for this year, if i go in him and trust in him, i will be fine.

I believe . . .

I trust in you . . .
I believe your my healer . . .
I believe you are all i need . . .
I believe your my portion . . .
I believe your more then enough for me . . .
Jesus your all i need!!!!

The other night i was upstairs, and i thought you were going to be there.
This morning i woke up and i thought you were going to be there. It's been months, yet some days it seems like it was just yesterday that it happened. Sometimes i wonder when will the pain go away, when will i feel ok. Then it hit me, the pain will never go away, the tears will probably never stop, but i will begin to learn how to live with it, because, Jesus is my healer. He's the one who heals all wounds, he is all i need!! There isn't anything that is not possible with his help.

Some days i sit here, and wish soo bad that i had someone i could talk to. Someone who would just understand how I'm feeling, and while my person nature wishes that someone was a physical person, most often it is not. People have busy lives, so most times I'm left on my own, and I'll admit at first it was hard, but I've learned and I'm still learning that, He's always there for me. People will always come and go, people will always have other things to do, other places to be, but He will never leave my side, no matter what.

This past year, I've been hurt pretty bad, from a lot of different angles in my life, and it's left me pretty beaten and bruised, but it has also left me stronger. At first i didn't see any good, but as the days goes on, little pieces of the picture are being reveled to me. Someone once told me that in order for you to be able to be fixed, you need to be completely broken, and after this past year i was left completely broken, and at first i didn't like it, but now i know that it was needed so that God can make me into the person that i am meant to be. There is a song that says, "The same power that conquered the grave, lives in me, You're love that rescued the earth, lives in me" Powerful words, but yet so true. That same power lives in me, and it's a great responsibility, one that we have to live out each and everyday. No matter how bad we've been hurt, if we fully trust in God and his power then we will overcome it all, because with Him all things are possible. Even the word IMPOSSIBLE says IM POSSIBLE!!!

Yeah, it's been a brutal summer, i cried a lot, i questioned a lot, but i learned a lot. I learned that I'm able to overcome more then i think. I learned that through my brokenness i am able to grow, if i just believe.

I trust in You. I know you are my healer, and i know you are mending me and molding me. Nothing is impossible with you in my life. Jesus you are all that i need.

Closed - OPENED!!

"What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. 8I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name." Revelations 3:7-8

So i took this job on a ranch this summer, thinking it was going to be great, and yeah don't get me wrong it's had it's good moments, but it's had it's hard moments. Moments where i'm left standing wondering why i even took the job in the first place. Why would i want to put myself through a summer where people don't respect me, they don't like me because i'm different, they choose to leave me out when they are planning things, why is all i can ask. That was until i done my devotions the other day.

In a desperate state i cried out to God, i told him i was done with working at the ranch, it was just too hard, and then bang he began to talk and showed me the verse in Revelations. I know it was God would placed me at the ranch this summer, i know there is a reason, but a selected few people were ruining the experience for me. But after i read that verse in Revelations, i realized only God can close this door, they can't do it to me, as much as they want to get rid of me, they can't close a door that the Lord as open.

Yes i hate crying myself to sleep most nights, yes i hate sitting in the corner by myself most days, or eating meals by myself, but i have to remember it's not about those people that think they are better about it, it's about the kids that come there, and God.

There was this little boy at the camp this week and he had ADD and was tagged the "trouble kid" because of it. He would get picked on because he was little and a early incident in the beginning of the week got him more picked out, but today, he helped me realize why i was at camp. As we were talking over to breakfast, he said to his counselor Chris, "Jesus loves you" and Chris's reply was, Jesus loves you too, and this little boy goes, "yes i know he does, and i'm thankful that someone loves me." He said before he came to camp he didn't think anyone loved him, he thought he was a mistake. He was placed in a group home at a young age and don't think he has a purpose, but he said after this week his views have changed. This little kid who thought he was useless gave me the strength to go on, the strength to forget about what the other staff say or think about me, he reminded me that Jesus loves me, and that he loves me just as i am.

God opened this door for me, and only He will be able to close it on me.

Missing you . . .

God saw you getting tired, and a cure was not to be,
so he put his arms around you, and whispered "Come to me".
with tearful eyes i think of you, not knowing what to say.
although i love you dearly, i could not make you stay.
a golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest,
God broke my hearts to prove to us,
that he only takes the BEST!

The other day i found a painting you done when you were probably 3, i can remember the day so clearly, you were sitting in your chair with my new kids on the block slippers, your mommy knows best sweater, and your cute glasses, i remember this was one of the rare times that we saw you smile - i miss your smile. I miss the way you would scrunch up your nose when i would touch it , i miss sitting across from you and just watching you, i miss everything about you. It's been close to 9 months, since you've been gone, but sometimes it just seems like yesterday. I know you are in a better place, running around, doing it all, and one day i will see you again, but until then, your memories is what gets me by. i miss you buddie.