A new year has begun, meaning a new year of memories have begun. Some i'd rather push aside, some i'm glad i have. I walked onto campus for the first time, to be confronted by the one person who turned my world upside down last year. Now this wasn't this persons personal choice, but it came with their job, and i wish i could say that i didn't look at them differently because of it, but i do, i try not to, but i do. But it's getting better, it's not as gut wrenching as it was before, it's getting bearable to an extent now.
This semester we're talking about Phillippians and the whole theme of this book is joy - joy in the simple things. That is something i hadn't had for a while. But slowly it is coming back, slowly i find myself smiling and the stupid little things that i use to smile at before my life was changed. I'm able to laugh, and not feel guilty about it, and it's a laugh that isn't fake anymore, it's a laugh that is real, coming from deep in me, it's laugh's and smile's that have just been dying to get out, but i would hold in, but no more.
I was fighting it soo much, and then after talking with a close friend, i realized it was ok to let it go, that it was ok to stand there and let him and others love me. That i don't have to do this on my own anymore, there are people who are more then willing to help me out, more then willing to sit with me on the days when all i want to do is cry, or when all i want to do is talk about him, laugh about him, that no matter what, they are there, and they will alwayas be there along with God.
I wish i could say i was there, to the point where i was ok with what happened, but i'm not. I still have loads of questions, i still wish that it didn't happen, and that i had my brother with me, but each and everyday, i am learning more and more. I am learning how despite the pain i am feeling inside, i can still have joy, i can still laugh. The pain will never leave me, but as the days go on, with the help of my friends and God i am learning to bear it, and find joy in it.
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