The fear of the unknown ...

i sit here fighting the feeling of being lost in a place of unknown. a place i've seem to be stuck in lately, a place i never wanted to be. everyday i search for answer, but none seem to come. will i ever know? will i ever find myself in all that is going on? will i ever see the good that is being hidden beneath all the bad? so many questions, but yet all the answer remain unknown - so far away from me. i just want to feel peace again.

being lost isn't a good feel, it isn't comfortable. you're stuck in these unfamiliar situations that you'd rather not be in. it is in these uncomfortable situations that your faith is put to the test. you are in a place of unknown where your faith is being tested from all angles, and sometimes your faith wins, but sometimes your emotions get the better of you. i wish i could say i was the type of person who has their faith win out over their feelings, but i'm not, i'm far from it. i'm striving to make it better, but it's something that doesn't happen over night.

i'm incomplete, everything about me is a work in progress. this fear of the unknown while very painful at times, is vital to my character building. if we went around knowing what was going to happen each and everyday, we'd have a pretty boring life. now i'll admit, i hate not knowing, but i'm not sure if i would be able to handle knowing some of the things that might happen, or why somethings happened like they did.

there are soo many questions i'd like answered, there are soo many questions i want to ask, but sometimes they just seem to go up in the air. i'm standing here yelling, but yet no one seems to hear me. am i not being loud enough? or am i just not asking the right questions. everything about me wants to know God more. i want to know him on a level, that when i speak, his words just flow out of me. i want to be his hands and feet, go and do as he did. change lives as he did. but yet i find myself lost in the unknown, farthest from his great works.

i know this girl who has one of the strongest characters i've seen in a person. she's a girl after god's own heart. if you want to see god light shine out of someone, just go be with her. yeah, she's not perfect, and she'll be the first to admit that, but each and everyday, she strives to be more like him in all that she does. and yeah she she probably gets frustrated at times, and would probably want to take the easy way out, but yet she knows that with taking the hard way, comes the glory. this girl is worth while knowing. i wasn't able to feel god this past year a whole lot, but i for sure saw his love shine through her. he used her in a way that helped me get through some pretty rough moments. and through it all she was a open and willing vessel. a true person, a true friend. a true walking example of jesus here on earth.

god, you know i don't like this feeling of not knowing what's going on. i don't like not feeling you, or hearing from you. am i just not listening enough? am i doing something wrong? please, i need you soo much. i need an outpouring of you in my life, i WANT an outpouring of you in my life, please, don't be silent and hidden anymore, i'm ready to flee from the unknown and come into the known with you!!!! please, come near to me.