Spider Web

When you think about it, your life is kinda like a spider web, soo many different layers. My life right now, is full of different layers, layers that not too many people see. Yeah there are ones out in the front that are kinda visible to others, but the ones that are lying close to the middle, are ones, that while i would like some people to see, i'm afraid to show, afraid it might turn them off, afraid it might hurt me too much exposing it. My life the last year has been a wind whirled of emotions, and the easiest thing to do was build up another layer so no one could get in, that way you're not able to get hurt anymore. But really, all your really doing is hurting yourself more, by putting up these layers. There are people out there who really do care enough to push past the first couple of layers to get to those "hurting" layers.
As I said this has been a hard year, and it feels like half the time I'm just left there standing yelling, "WHY". Just when I think I have it all together, BANG, something else comes along to knock me down, and makes me lose my footing again. I know it's not for me to question why, but sometimes I really wish I knew why things happened like they did. Like why didn't I get the chance to say goodbye to my brother, why didn't I get to tell him I loved him one last time. You see, we always think that we will get tomorrow, we don't comprehend that tomorrow might not come, well, it didn't come for me, I didn't get to say that last goodbye, the last I love you. It eats away at me everyday, as much as I try to get away from it, it's still there. It's yet another layer to my web.
I read something on a friends blog (hope you don't mind me using it) - "Hurts make us cry, hurts make us saddened, hurts make us not have faith, hurts make us not want to try again, hurts make you feel hollow." To a tea, that is me. My hurt has eaten me up. Half the time i don't have the energy to try again, nor do i want to try again, because in the end, the hurt is still there. It's always going to be there. You're not here with me, how can i not hurt? Sometimes I find myself asking God, why are you letting me hurt like this? And I know it's to produce more faith and trust in him, but this hurt if dragging me down, almost at times to bearable to handle. And i know i should hand it over to you, but just as i said in the beginning, i have these layers built up, and if i let go, i risk the chance of getting hurt more. I should trust you more, i want to trust you more, but i guess i don't know how to. Please help me to trust you more!
I am lucky to have some pretty amazing people in my life, people who while i pushed away, pushed against me, and stood by my side. People who would do anything to see a smile come across my face, even if it meant making them look silly, it didn't matter to them, as long as i was smiling. These people have changed my life, these people, while at first kinda getting stuck in the webbing, pushed there way through, and helped me through my most difficult times. I don't know what i would do without you, i don't know where i would be. When i think of you, tears just fill up in my eyes, how did i get so lucky to have someone like you in my life? What did i do to deserve this? They say friendship is a God given gift, this is one of the greatest gifts he has given me.
I don't know where my life is going, and these layers, i wish i could say they were decreasing, but they're not. It's going to take time, time that right now, i feel i don't really have, but i know God will pull me through, He promised me that. I hurt everyday, i miss you everyday, everyday i ask why? Everyday i become more ok.
To you, i'm sorry i didn't get to say goodbye, i'm sorry you had to hurt. But right now you in such a better place. My heart aches soo much because your not here, but i know i will get to see you again. Just know i love you soo much, and you have changed my life and made me a better person. Thank you little man.
To the other you - you know who you are. You as well have changed me, you've seen me in it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the even real ugly, but yet, you didn't leave, you keep pushing through, and i thank you for that. I don't know what i did to deserve a friend like you, but i am sooo very thankful. I don't even know what to write, seems like there are no words to describe what i'm feeling and how thankful i am. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart thank you for pushing through to get to know the real me behind all these layers. I love you. (There isn't a box big enough to show the love i have for this friendship)
To God - We may not be the closest friends at the most, but we're getting back there. I want to trust you more, i want to know you more, i still can't feel you, but i know you are there, i can see you through my friends. I thank you for that. Thank you for staying by my side.
Yeah i have layers, at times i'm not proud of it, but i know, with time, they will slowly go away, and right now, while i'm hurting, i know, i'm going to be ok.