I trust in you . . .
I believe your my healer . . .
I believe you are all i need . . .
I believe your my portion . . .
I believe your more then enough for me . . .
Jesus your all i need!!!!
The other night i was upstairs, and i thought you were going to be there.
This morning i woke up and i thought you were going to be there. It's been months, yet some days it seems like it was just yesterday that it happened. Sometimes i wonder when will the pain go away, when will i feel ok. Then it hit me, the pain will never go away, the tears will probably never stop, but i will begin to learn how to live with it, because, Jesus is my healer. He's the one who heals all wounds, he is all i need!! There isn't anything that is not possible with his help.
Some days i sit here, and wish soo bad that i had someone i could talk to. Someone who would just understand how I'm feeling, and while my person nature wishes that someone was a physical person, most often it is not. People have busy lives, so most times I'm left on my own, and I'll admit at first it was hard, but I've learned and I'm still learning that, He's always there for me. People will always come and go, people will always have other things to do, other places to be, but He will never leave my side, no matter what.
This past year, I've been hurt pretty bad, from a lot of different angles in my life, and it's left me pretty beaten and bruised, but it has also left me stronger. At first i didn't see any good, but as the days goes on, little pieces of the picture are being reveled to me. Someone once told me that in order for you to be able to be fixed, you need to be completely broken, and after this past year i was left completely broken, and at first i didn't like it, but now i know that it was needed so that God can make me into the person that i am meant to be. There is a song that says, "The same power that conquered the grave, lives in me, You're love that rescued the earth, lives in me" Powerful words, but yet so true. That same power lives in me, and it's a great responsibility, one that we have to live out each and everyday. No matter how bad we've been hurt, if we fully trust in God and his power then we will overcome it all, because with Him all things are possible. Even the word IMPOSSIBLE says IM POSSIBLE!!!
Yeah, it's been a brutal summer, i cried a lot, i questioned a lot, but i learned a lot. I learned that I'm able to overcome more then i think. I learned that through my brokenness i am able to grow, if i just believe.
I trust in You. I know you are my healer, and i know you are mending me and molding me. Nothing is impossible with you in my life. Jesus you are all that i need.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Closed - OPENED!!
"What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. 8I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name." Revelations 3:7-8
So i took this job on a ranch this summer, thinking it was going to be great, and yeah don't get me wrong it's had it's good moments, but it's had it's hard moments. Moments where i'm left standing wondering why i even took the job in the first place. Why would i want to put myself through a summer where people don't respect me, they don't like me because i'm different, they choose to leave me out when they are planning things, why is all i can ask. That was until i done my devotions the other day.
In a desperate state i cried out to God, i told him i was done with working at the ranch, it was just too hard, and then bang he began to talk and showed me the verse in Revelations. I know it was God would placed me at the ranch this summer, i know there is a reason, but a selected few people were ruining the experience for me. But after i read that verse in Revelations, i realized only God can close this door, they can't do it to me, as much as they want to get rid of me, they can't close a door that the Lord as open.
Yes i hate crying myself to sleep most nights, yes i hate sitting in the corner by myself most days, or eating meals by myself, but i have to remember it's not about those people that think they are better about it, it's about the kids that come there, and God.
There was this little boy at the camp this week and he had ADD and was tagged the "trouble kid" because of it. He would get picked on because he was little and a early incident in the beginning of the week got him more picked out, but today, he helped me realize why i was at camp. As we were talking over to breakfast, he said to his counselor Chris, "Jesus loves you" and Chris's reply was, Jesus loves you too, and this little boy goes, "yes i know he does, and i'm thankful that someone loves me." He said before he came to camp he didn't think anyone loved him, he thought he was a mistake. He was placed in a group home at a young age and don't think he has a purpose, but he said after this week his views have changed. This little kid who thought he was useless gave me the strength to go on, the strength to forget about what the other staff say or think about me, he reminded me that Jesus loves me, and that he loves me just as i am.
God opened this door for me, and only He will be able to close it on me.
So i took this job on a ranch this summer, thinking it was going to be great, and yeah don't get me wrong it's had it's good moments, but it's had it's hard moments. Moments where i'm left standing wondering why i even took the job in the first place. Why would i want to put myself through a summer where people don't respect me, they don't like me because i'm different, they choose to leave me out when they are planning things, why is all i can ask. That was until i done my devotions the other day.
In a desperate state i cried out to God, i told him i was done with working at the ranch, it was just too hard, and then bang he began to talk and showed me the verse in Revelations. I know it was God would placed me at the ranch this summer, i know there is a reason, but a selected few people were ruining the experience for me. But after i read that verse in Revelations, i realized only God can close this door, they can't do it to me, as much as they want to get rid of me, they can't close a door that the Lord as open.
Yes i hate crying myself to sleep most nights, yes i hate sitting in the corner by myself most days, or eating meals by myself, but i have to remember it's not about those people that think they are better about it, it's about the kids that come there, and God.
There was this little boy at the camp this week and he had ADD and was tagged the "trouble kid" because of it. He would get picked on because he was little and a early incident in the beginning of the week got him more picked out, but today, he helped me realize why i was at camp. As we were talking over to breakfast, he said to his counselor Chris, "Jesus loves you" and Chris's reply was, Jesus loves you too, and this little boy goes, "yes i know he does, and i'm thankful that someone loves me." He said before he came to camp he didn't think anyone loved him, he thought he was a mistake. He was placed in a group home at a young age and don't think he has a purpose, but he said after this week his views have changed. This little kid who thought he was useless gave me the strength to go on, the strength to forget about what the other staff say or think about me, he reminded me that Jesus loves me, and that he loves me just as i am.
God opened this door for me, and only He will be able to close it on me.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Missing you . . .
God saw you getting tired, and a cure was not to be,
so he put his arms around you, and whispered "Come to me".
with tearful eyes i think of you, not knowing what to say.
although i love you dearly, i could not make you stay.
a golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest,
God broke my hearts to prove to us,
that he only takes the BEST!
The other day i found a painting you done when you were probably 3, i can remember the day so clearly, you were sitting in your chair with my new kids on the block slippers, your mommy knows best sweater, and your cute glasses, i remember this was one of the rare times that we saw you smile - i miss your smile. I miss the way you would scrunch up your nose when i would touch it , i miss sitting across from you and just watching you, i miss everything about you. It's been close to 9 months, since you've been gone, but sometimes it just seems like yesterday. I know you are in a better place, running around, doing it all, and one day i will see you again, but until then, your memories is what gets me by. i miss you buddie.
so he put his arms around you, and whispered "Come to me".
with tearful eyes i think of you, not knowing what to say.
although i love you dearly, i could not make you stay.
a golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest,
God broke my hearts to prove to us,
that he only takes the BEST!
The other day i found a painting you done when you were probably 3, i can remember the day so clearly, you were sitting in your chair with my new kids on the block slippers, your mommy knows best sweater, and your cute glasses, i remember this was one of the rare times that we saw you smile - i miss your smile. I miss the way you would scrunch up your nose when i would touch it , i miss sitting across from you and just watching you, i miss everything about you. It's been close to 9 months, since you've been gone, but sometimes it just seems like yesterday. I know you are in a better place, running around, doing it all, and one day i will see you again, but until then, your memories is what gets me by. i miss you buddie.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
It's all worth it in the end . . .
So my life the last week and a bit, has been well on a ranch. Quite the interesting place i tell ya. I do everything there, and when i say everything i mean everything. From washing dishes to cutting the grass, from cooking to cleaning the toilets, from painting a wagon to washing down the walls, and the list goes on, and yeah i'll admit while i was cleaning the filthy washroom, i was doing everything but smiling (literally turned my stomach). At that moment in time, i wasn't liking my life very much, and wished i was somewhere else, besides on my hands and knees scrubbing a rotten toilets. But a little while after i had completed this "wonderful" task, my eyes were open by a 5 year old. I was sitting on the step, pretty much hating my life, and she comes up to me, and says, "you did a great job today, here's a sucker for you" - she had this huge smile on her face. She said thank you for making the washroom clean for us. At that moment, it made it worth it, just to see the smile on her face.
This summer, i'm probably going to clean another few rotten toilets, wash more dishes, but in the end it will be worth it, seeing the smiles on the kids faces that come through the camp. Some of these kids come from pretty crummy homes and lifestyles, and this is our chance to give them a awesome week, and if that means i have to clean dirty toilets for hours, i'll do it, because in the end it's worth it.
My eyes had been opened by a 5 year, time to quit the complaining and be thankful for being able to clean a toilet, it might sound gross, but there are some people out there who probably wish they could do it, instead of being unable to. It's so easy to complaining rather then just doing the work, but next time i'm not gong to be as quick to complain about the hard work i have to do each day, but be thankful that i'm able to do it, because in the end, it will be worth it.
In the end . . . the dishes will be done . . . the grass will be cut . . . the food will be cooked . . . the toilets will be cleaned . . . the wagons will all be painted . . . and the walls will be clearned . . . in the end, lives will be touched . . . in the end, lives will be changed . . . in the end, it will be worth it.
This summer, i'm probably going to clean another few rotten toilets, wash more dishes, but in the end it will be worth it, seeing the smiles on the kids faces that come through the camp. Some of these kids come from pretty crummy homes and lifestyles, and this is our chance to give them a awesome week, and if that means i have to clean dirty toilets for hours, i'll do it, because in the end it's worth it.
My eyes had been opened by a 5 year, time to quit the complaining and be thankful for being able to clean a toilet, it might sound gross, but there are some people out there who probably wish they could do it, instead of being unable to. It's so easy to complaining rather then just doing the work, but next time i'm not gong to be as quick to complain about the hard work i have to do each day, but be thankful that i'm able to do it, because in the end, it will be worth it.
In the end . . . the dishes will be done . . . the grass will be cut . . . the food will be cooked . . . the toilets will be cleaned . . . the wagons will all be painted . . . and the walls will be clearned . . . in the end, lives will be touched . . . in the end, lives will be changed . . . in the end, it will be worth it.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Crafted in your Hands
I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray
Take me, Mould me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
God this summer is yours - to do as you please. I'm open and willing to do as you have called me to do. Weather it's cleaning toilets for hours a day, washing dishes, being with the kids, i'm willing to do it. I know i've complained a lot the last little while, but i'm ready to change, i want to change.
I'm like a fresh blot of molding, ready and willing to be molded again. so Lord, take me, mould me, use me, fill me. I give my life to you.
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray
Take me, Mould me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
God this summer is yours - to do as you please. I'm open and willing to do as you have called me to do. Weather it's cleaning toilets for hours a day, washing dishes, being with the kids, i'm willing to do it. I know i've complained a lot the last little while, but i'm ready to change, i want to change.
I'm like a fresh blot of molding, ready and willing to be molded again. so Lord, take me, mould me, use me, fill me. I give my life to you.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Dream
Last night i had a dream, and it was one of those dreams that while it scared me, still have some comfort to it. I was standing in a field, and it was night. I was sitting their myself, and reading my bible (which to me was a surprise) As i was reading my bible, people started to come around me, some people i knew and others i've never met before. At first they didn't say anything, they just walked past me, but then all of a sudden its like i could feel a cool breeze down my back, and i turned around to see someone i didn't know stand there. they began to swipe at me and try to hit me and knock my bible away, and once they got it free form my hands, they dragged me to my feet, where the others that where walking around began to circle me. So here i am in the middle of a circle surrounded by some familiar faces and some that i didn't know. They called me everything, each one of them had something horrible to say about me, they hit me, and would laugh when they saw tears going down my face, i'd fall to the ground and they would pick me up and keep hitting at me. I was so scared, and wanted to wake up soo bad, but i wasn't able to. Why were they doing this to me, what did i do. And on the last time, someone hit my legs and they buckled and i fell to the ground face first, i wasn't able to get back up, and then all of a sudden i felt a tap on my shoulder, and i was too scared to look up, i wasn't able to take any more beating. The tapping continued until i finally looking up, and it was you, and you had tears in your eyes and you said, don't worry, it's going to be ok, i'm here, you're ok now. I just sat there, and you gave me a hug and i cried, i cried with everything in me, and the whole time you sat there rocking back and forth with me, letting me know i was safe, then you looked at me, and it's something i'll never forget, it seemed so real, you said, Everyday you will come against people who try to tear you down, but don't let them get to you, know who you are, and know how you are in Christ. Then you took hold of my hand, and said no matter what, you'll never leave my side, that you love me. Then you gave me a hug, took my hand and said you would sit with me until i feel asleep. I honestly thought someone was holding my hand. After that if was one of my most peaceful sleeps in a long time.
I'm sitting here crying as i write this, the dream blew me away, it felt so real, i really thought you were here with me. You honestly don't know how much you are impacting me, really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. thank you for always being there and willing to comfort me and help me. By you being open and willing, God is using you to bring peace back into my life, thank you. I asked God to somehow show me he was with me, and that things were going to be ok, he chose to use you, and i'm glad.
It just goes to show, that no matter what we face, no matter what we go through, no matter the beating we get, he is right there tapping at our shoulders, telling us it's going to be ok, that he is there with us, and he'll stay with us. While my dream was soo scary, i'm glad it happened, gave me reassurance that God is with me.
I'm sitting here crying as i write this, the dream blew me away, it felt so real, i really thought you were here with me. You honestly don't know how much you are impacting me, really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. thank you for always being there and willing to comfort me and help me. By you being open and willing, God is using you to bring peace back into my life, thank you. I asked God to somehow show me he was with me, and that things were going to be ok, he chose to use you, and i'm glad.
It just goes to show, that no matter what we face, no matter what we go through, no matter the beating we get, he is right there tapping at our shoulders, telling us it's going to be ok, that he is there with us, and he'll stay with us. While my dream was soo scary, i'm glad it happened, gave me reassurance that God is with me.
What very few know . . .
What very few know is that most nights i cry myself to sleep . . .
What very few know is that i have a heart that is pretty much broken . . .
What very few know is that i long to be happy again, true happiness . . .
What very few know is that sometimes i'm not sure how much longer i can go on like this . . .
My life that little while, while yeah i've had some very good moments, i've also had some very low moments. Everyday i'm hearing what a horrible person i am, how terrible i treat people, how i only care about myself, and what makes me happy, how i'm drawing youth away from our church, how i'm here to serve, not to lead. everyday there is something new or someone new tearing me down, and there is only so much a person is able to take, there is only so many tears to cry. When will this end? When will they see how much they are hurting me? When i'm down on the ground and unable to get back up again? Will the be happy then? Or will they continue to lash out at me like i'm some kind of horrible animal. Yes i know there is a cost in being a disciple of Christ, but never did i imagine it to me like this, never did i imagine my church to tear me down and hurt me this much. God, where are you? What are you doing? Why is this happening?
I'm on my knees, i'm not able to even stand anymore, please please, just come, Please open their eyes and show them what they are doing, please. God, i know there sometimes is a cost to follow you, and yes i'm willing to go through whatever, but please, just help, please just come, wrap me in your presence.
Through all this it makes me think of everything you had to go through us, all the heart ache, all the tearing down, people always saying stuff to you and about you, and yet you took it all so that i could sit here, so that i could live. Blows me away, the cost wasn't too much for you, and it's not going to be too much for me. But please, just open their eyes and let them see their actions, and please if i'm out of line, show me as well. Please help me to love them, despite how i feel.
What very few know is that i have a heart that is pretty much broken . . .
What very few know is that i long to be happy again, true happiness . . .
What very few know is that sometimes i'm not sure how much longer i can go on like this . . .
My life that little while, while yeah i've had some very good moments, i've also had some very low moments. Everyday i'm hearing what a horrible person i am, how terrible i treat people, how i only care about myself, and what makes me happy, how i'm drawing youth away from our church, how i'm here to serve, not to lead. everyday there is something new or someone new tearing me down, and there is only so much a person is able to take, there is only so many tears to cry. When will this end? When will they see how much they are hurting me? When i'm down on the ground and unable to get back up again? Will the be happy then? Or will they continue to lash out at me like i'm some kind of horrible animal. Yes i know there is a cost in being a disciple of Christ, but never did i imagine it to me like this, never did i imagine my church to tear me down and hurt me this much. God, where are you? What are you doing? Why is this happening?
I'm on my knees, i'm not able to even stand anymore, please please, just come, Please open their eyes and show them what they are doing, please. God, i know there sometimes is a cost to follow you, and yes i'm willing to go through whatever, but please, just help, please just come, wrap me in your presence.
Through all this it makes me think of everything you had to go through us, all the heart ache, all the tearing down, people always saying stuff to you and about you, and yet you took it all so that i could sit here, so that i could live. Blows me away, the cost wasn't too much for you, and it's not going to be too much for me. But please, just open their eyes and let them see their actions, and please if i'm out of line, show me as well. Please help me to love them, despite how i feel.
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