"The enemy has been defeated,
death couldn't hold him down,
we're going to lift our voice in victory,
going to make our praises loud,
BECAUSE THE ENEMY HAS BEEN DEFEATED!!"
No longer a hold on my life, no longer will your lies and pain fill my life. You've been defeated once again. The hold you were beginning to have on me has been broken, by a much loving and caring hand, a hand that i know will never leave me, nor forsake me. You can't touch me when i am in his presence, and from now on, i'm going to be surrounded by him and he's powerful presence. I've had enough of your lies, enough of the pain that you've tried to place on me, i'm tired of it. YOU'VE BEEN DEFEATED!!! Each and everytime you come up against me and my God, you will be DEFEATED!!
I may not be able to feel God fully, but it is coming back, each and everyday i'm beginning to feel him more. I know he hasn't left me, and i know he will never leave me. He loves me and through this difficult time, he allowed himself to remain a little distant in order for me to grow in my faith and trust. It wasn't all fun and games, but i have learned sooo much, and i wouldn't change anything that has happened. Yes i want me brother here with me, but this was how God planned for it to be. He saw that Edward was hurting, and it ached him, and he wasn't able to take it anymore, so he placed him in a better place, and place where he could hold him in his arms and take care of him, and one day, that will be me holding Edward in my arms again.
It's crazy how when your heart is breaking, you tend to learn the most if you allow yourself. I've heard it many times before, "it's in the valley where you grow", but now i have a great appreciation for it. This past year has been a "valley year", but it's been a growing year. I grew in my character, i grew in my understanding of God and he's perfect peace that surpasses all understandings. I'll admit i didn't always enjoy the "valley times," but i know htey were essential for the development of my character. And i thank God for those times, because it drew me closer to him, although i wasn't able to feel him, his presence never left me.
While this past year has been a growing year, so will this summer. With a new experience ahead of me i look forward to my "god teaching moments." Moments where i'm able to simply bask in his love and peace, moments where i just stand in awe of all he has done and created, moments where i'm able to show his love and teachings, moments where i am just simply loved unconditional by him.
Here's to the beginning of a new roller coaster ride!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
The fear of the unknown ...
i sit here fighting the feeling of being lost in a place of unknown. a place i've seem to be stuck in lately, a place i never wanted to be. everyday i search for answer, but none seem to come. will i ever know? will i ever find myself in all that is going on? will i ever see the good that is being hidden beneath all the bad? so many questions, but yet all the answer remain unknown - so far away from me. i just want to feel peace again.
being lost isn't a good feel, it isn't comfortable. you're stuck in these unfamiliar situations that you'd rather not be in. it is in these uncomfortable situations that your faith is put to the test. you are in a place of unknown where your faith is being tested from all angles, and sometimes your faith wins, but sometimes your emotions get the better of you. i wish i could say i was the type of person who has their faith win out over their feelings, but i'm not, i'm far from it. i'm striving to make it better, but it's something that doesn't happen over night.
i'm incomplete, everything about me is a work in progress. this fear of the unknown while very painful at times, is vital to my character building. if we went around knowing what was going to happen each and everyday, we'd have a pretty boring life. now i'll admit, i hate not knowing, but i'm not sure if i would be able to handle knowing some of the things that might happen, or why somethings happened like they did.
there are soo many questions i'd like answered, there are soo many questions i want to ask, but sometimes they just seem to go up in the air. i'm standing here yelling, but yet no one seems to hear me. am i not being loud enough? or am i just not asking the right questions. everything about me wants to know God more. i want to know him on a level, that when i speak, his words just flow out of me. i want to be his hands and feet, go and do as he did. change lives as he did. but yet i find myself lost in the unknown, farthest from his great works.
i know this girl who has one of the strongest characters i've seen in a person. she's a girl after god's own heart. if you want to see god light shine out of someone, just go be with her. yeah, she's not perfect, and she'll be the first to admit that, but each and everyday, she strives to be more like him in all that she does. and yeah she she probably gets frustrated at times, and would probably want to take the easy way out, but yet she knows that with taking the hard way, comes the glory. this girl is worth while knowing. i wasn't able to feel god this past year a whole lot, but i for sure saw his love shine through her. he used her in a way that helped me get through some pretty rough moments. and through it all she was a open and willing vessel. a true person, a true friend. a true walking example of jesus here on earth.
god, you know i don't like this feeling of not knowing what's going on. i don't like not feeling you, or hearing from you. am i just not listening enough? am i doing something wrong? please, i need you soo much. i need an outpouring of you in my life, i WANT an outpouring of you in my life, please, don't be silent and hidden anymore, i'm ready to flee from the unknown and come into the known with you!!!! please, come near to me.
being lost isn't a good feel, it isn't comfortable. you're stuck in these unfamiliar situations that you'd rather not be in. it is in these uncomfortable situations that your faith is put to the test. you are in a place of unknown where your faith is being tested from all angles, and sometimes your faith wins, but sometimes your emotions get the better of you. i wish i could say i was the type of person who has their faith win out over their feelings, but i'm not, i'm far from it. i'm striving to make it better, but it's something that doesn't happen over night.
i'm incomplete, everything about me is a work in progress. this fear of the unknown while very painful at times, is vital to my character building. if we went around knowing what was going to happen each and everyday, we'd have a pretty boring life. now i'll admit, i hate not knowing, but i'm not sure if i would be able to handle knowing some of the things that might happen, or why somethings happened like they did.
there are soo many questions i'd like answered, there are soo many questions i want to ask, but sometimes they just seem to go up in the air. i'm standing here yelling, but yet no one seems to hear me. am i not being loud enough? or am i just not asking the right questions. everything about me wants to know God more. i want to know him on a level, that when i speak, his words just flow out of me. i want to be his hands and feet, go and do as he did. change lives as he did. but yet i find myself lost in the unknown, farthest from his great works.
i know this girl who has one of the strongest characters i've seen in a person. she's a girl after god's own heart. if you want to see god light shine out of someone, just go be with her. yeah, she's not perfect, and she'll be the first to admit that, but each and everyday, she strives to be more like him in all that she does. and yeah she she probably gets frustrated at times, and would probably want to take the easy way out, but yet she knows that with taking the hard way, comes the glory. this girl is worth while knowing. i wasn't able to feel god this past year a whole lot, but i for sure saw his love shine through her. he used her in a way that helped me get through some pretty rough moments. and through it all she was a open and willing vessel. a true person, a true friend. a true walking example of jesus here on earth.
god, you know i don't like this feeling of not knowing what's going on. i don't like not feeling you, or hearing from you. am i just not listening enough? am i doing something wrong? please, i need you soo much. i need an outpouring of you in my life, i WANT an outpouring of you in my life, please, don't be silent and hidden anymore, i'm ready to flee from the unknown and come into the known with you!!!! please, come near to me.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Spider Web
When you think about it, your life is kinda like a spider web, soo many different layers. My life right now, is full of different layers, layers that not too many people see. Yeah there are ones out in the front that are kinda visible to others, but the ones that are lying close to the middle, are ones, that while i would like some people to see, i'm afraid to show, afraid it might turn them off, afraid it might hurt me too much exposing it. My life the last year has been a wind whirled of emotions, and the easiest thing to do was build up another layer so no one could get in, that way you're not able to get hurt anymore. But really, all your really doing is hurting yourself more, by putting up these layers. There are people out there who really do care enough to push past the first couple of layers to get to those "hurting" layers.
As I said this has been a hard year, and it feels like half the time I'm just left there standing yelling, "WHY". Just when I think I have it all together, BANG, something else comes along to knock me down, and makes me lose my footing again. I know it's not for me to question why, but sometimes I really wish I knew why things happened like they did. Like why didn't I get the chance to say goodbye to my brother, why didn't I get to tell him I loved him one last time. You see, we always think that we will get tomorrow, we don't comprehend that tomorrow might not come, well, it didn't come for me, I didn't get to say that last goodbye, the last I love you. It eats away at me everyday, as much as I try to get away from it, it's still there. It's yet another layer to my web.
I read something on a friends blog (hope you don't mind me using it) - "Hurts make us cry, hurts make us saddened, hurts make us not have faith, hurts make us not want to try again, hurts make you feel hollow." To a tea, that is me. My hurt has eaten me up. Half the time i don't have the energy to try again, nor do i want to try again, because in the end, the hurt is still there. It's always going to be there. You're not here with me, how can i not hurt? Sometimes I find myself asking God, why are you letting me hurt like this? And I know it's to produce more faith and trust in him, but this hurt if dragging me down, almost at times to bearable to handle. And i know i should hand it over to you, but just as i said in the beginning, i have these layers built up, and if i let go, i risk the chance of getting hurt more. I should trust you more, i want to trust you more, but i guess i don't know how to. Please help me to trust you more!
I am lucky to have some pretty amazing people in my life, people who while i pushed away, pushed against me, and stood by my side. People who would do anything to see a smile come across my face, even if it meant making them look silly, it didn't matter to them, as long as i was smiling. These people have changed my life, these people, while at first kinda getting stuck in the webbing, pushed there way through, and helped me through my most difficult times. I don't know what i would do without you, i don't know where i would be. When i think of you, tears just fill up in my eyes, how did i get so lucky to have someone like you in my life? What did i do to deserve this? They say friendship is a God given gift, this is one of the greatest gifts he has given me.
I don't know where my life is going, and these layers, i wish i could say they were decreasing, but they're not. It's going to take time, time that right now, i feel i don't really have, but i know God will pull me through, He promised me that. I hurt everyday, i miss you everyday, everyday i ask why? Everyday i become more ok.
To you, i'm sorry i didn't get to say goodbye, i'm sorry you had to hurt. But right now you in such a better place. My heart aches soo much because your not here, but i know i will get to see you again. Just know i love you soo much, and you have changed my life and made me a better person. Thank you little man.
To the other you - you know who you are. You as well have changed me, you've seen me in it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the even real ugly, but yet, you didn't leave, you keep pushing through, and i thank you for that. I don't know what i did to deserve a friend like you, but i am sooo very thankful. I don't even know what to write, seems like there are no words to describe what i'm feeling and how thankful i am. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart thank you for pushing through to get to know the real me behind all these layers. I love you. (There isn't a box big enough to show the love i have for this friendship)
To God - We may not be the closest friends at the most, but we're getting back there. I want to trust you more, i want to know you more, i still can't feel you, but i know you are there, i can see you through my friends. I thank you for that. Thank you for staying by my side.
Yeah i have layers, at times i'm not proud of it, but i know, with time, they will slowly go away, and right now, while i'm hurting, i know, i'm going to be ok.
As I said this has been a hard year, and it feels like half the time I'm just left there standing yelling, "WHY". Just when I think I have it all together, BANG, something else comes along to knock me down, and makes me lose my footing again. I know it's not for me to question why, but sometimes I really wish I knew why things happened like they did. Like why didn't I get the chance to say goodbye to my brother, why didn't I get to tell him I loved him one last time. You see, we always think that we will get tomorrow, we don't comprehend that tomorrow might not come, well, it didn't come for me, I didn't get to say that last goodbye, the last I love you. It eats away at me everyday, as much as I try to get away from it, it's still there. It's yet another layer to my web.
I read something on a friends blog (hope you don't mind me using it) - "Hurts make us cry, hurts make us saddened, hurts make us not have faith, hurts make us not want to try again, hurts make you feel hollow." To a tea, that is me. My hurt has eaten me up. Half the time i don't have the energy to try again, nor do i want to try again, because in the end, the hurt is still there. It's always going to be there. You're not here with me, how can i not hurt? Sometimes I find myself asking God, why are you letting me hurt like this? And I know it's to produce more faith and trust in him, but this hurt if dragging me down, almost at times to bearable to handle. And i know i should hand it over to you, but just as i said in the beginning, i have these layers built up, and if i let go, i risk the chance of getting hurt more. I should trust you more, i want to trust you more, but i guess i don't know how to. Please help me to trust you more!
I am lucky to have some pretty amazing people in my life, people who while i pushed away, pushed against me, and stood by my side. People who would do anything to see a smile come across my face, even if it meant making them look silly, it didn't matter to them, as long as i was smiling. These people have changed my life, these people, while at first kinda getting stuck in the webbing, pushed there way through, and helped me through my most difficult times. I don't know what i would do without you, i don't know where i would be. When i think of you, tears just fill up in my eyes, how did i get so lucky to have someone like you in my life? What did i do to deserve this? They say friendship is a God given gift, this is one of the greatest gifts he has given me.
I don't know where my life is going, and these layers, i wish i could say they were decreasing, but they're not. It's going to take time, time that right now, i feel i don't really have, but i know God will pull me through, He promised me that. I hurt everyday, i miss you everyday, everyday i ask why? Everyday i become more ok.
To you, i'm sorry i didn't get to say goodbye, i'm sorry you had to hurt. But right now you in such a better place. My heart aches soo much because your not here, but i know i will get to see you again. Just know i love you soo much, and you have changed my life and made me a better person. Thank you little man.
To the other you - you know who you are. You as well have changed me, you've seen me in it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the even real ugly, but yet, you didn't leave, you keep pushing through, and i thank you for that. I don't know what i did to deserve a friend like you, but i am sooo very thankful. I don't even know what to write, seems like there are no words to describe what i'm feeling and how thankful i am. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart thank you for pushing through to get to know the real me behind all these layers. I love you. (There isn't a box big enough to show the love i have for this friendship)
To God - We may not be the closest friends at the most, but we're getting back there. I want to trust you more, i want to know you more, i still can't feel you, but i know you are there, i can see you through my friends. I thank you for that. Thank you for staying by my side.
Yeah i have layers, at times i'm not proud of it, but i know, with time, they will slowly go away, and right now, while i'm hurting, i know, i'm going to be ok.
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