Missing you . . .

God saw you getting tired, and a cure was not to be,
so he put his arms around you, and whispered "Come to me".
with tearful eyes i think of you, not knowing what to say.
although i love you dearly, i could not make you stay.
a golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest,
God broke my hearts to prove to us,
that he only takes the BEST!

The other day i found a painting you done when you were probably 3, i can remember the day so clearly, you were sitting in your chair with my new kids on the block slippers, your mommy knows best sweater, and your cute glasses, i remember this was one of the rare times that we saw you smile - i miss your smile. I miss the way you would scrunch up your nose when i would touch it , i miss sitting across from you and just watching you, i miss everything about you. It's been close to 9 months, since you've been gone, but sometimes it just seems like yesterday. I know you are in a better place, running around, doing it all, and one day i will see you again, but until then, your memories is what gets me by. i miss you buddie.

It's all worth it in the end . . .

So my life the last week and a bit, has been well on a ranch. Quite the interesting place i tell ya. I do everything there, and when i say everything i mean everything. From washing dishes to cutting the grass, from cooking to cleaning the toilets, from painting a wagon to washing down the walls, and the list goes on, and yeah i'll admit while i was cleaning the filthy washroom, i was doing everything but smiling (literally turned my stomach). At that moment in time, i wasn't liking my life very much, and wished i was somewhere else, besides on my hands and knees scrubbing a rotten toilets. But a little while after i had completed this "wonderful" task, my eyes were open by a 5 year old. I was sitting on the step, pretty much hating my life, and she comes up to me, and says, "you did a great job today, here's a sucker for you" - she had this huge smile on her face. She said thank you for making the washroom clean for us. At that moment, it made it worth it, just to see the smile on her face.

This summer, i'm probably going to clean another few rotten toilets, wash more dishes, but in the end it will be worth it, seeing the smiles on the kids faces that come through the camp. Some of these kids come from pretty crummy homes and lifestyles, and this is our chance to give them a awesome week, and if that means i have to clean dirty toilets for hours, i'll do it, because in the end it's worth it.

My eyes had been opened by a 5 year, time to quit the complaining and be thankful for being able to clean a toilet, it might sound gross, but there are some people out there who probably wish they could do it, instead of being unable to. It's so easy to complaining rather then just doing the work, but next time i'm not gong to be as quick to complain about the hard work i have to do each day, but be thankful that i'm able to do it, because in the end, it will be worth it.

In the end . . . the dishes will be done . . . the grass will be cut . . . the food will be cooked . . . the toilets will be cleaned . . . the wagons will all be painted . . . and the walls will be clearned . . . in the end, lives will be touched . . . in the end, lives will be changed . . . in the end, it will be worth it.

Crafted in your Hands

I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, Mould me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand

God this summer is yours - to do as you please. I'm open and willing to do as you have called me to do. Weather it's cleaning toilets for hours a day, washing dishes, being with the kids, i'm willing to do it. I know i've complained a lot the last little while, but i'm ready to change, i want to change.

I'm like a fresh blot of molding, ready and willing to be molded again. so Lord, take me, mould me, use me, fill me. I give my life to you.

Dream

Last night i had a dream, and it was one of those dreams that while it scared me, still have some comfort to it. I was standing in a field, and it was night. I was sitting their myself, and reading my bible (which to me was a surprise) As i was reading my bible, people started to come around me, some people i knew and others i've never met before. At first they didn't say anything, they just walked past me, but then all of a sudden its like i could feel a cool breeze down my back, and i turned around to see someone i didn't know stand there. they began to swipe at me and try to hit me and knock my bible away, and once they got it free form my hands, they dragged me to my feet, where the others that where walking around began to circle me. So here i am in the middle of a circle surrounded by some familiar faces and some that i didn't know. They called me everything, each one of them had something horrible to say about me, they hit me, and would laugh when they saw tears going down my face, i'd fall to the ground and they would pick me up and keep hitting at me. I was so scared, and wanted to wake up soo bad, but i wasn't able to. Why were they doing this to me, what did i do. And on the last time, someone hit my legs and they buckled and i fell to the ground face first, i wasn't able to get back up, and then all of a sudden i felt a tap on my shoulder, and i was too scared to look up, i wasn't able to take any more beating. The tapping continued until i finally looking up, and it was you, and you had tears in your eyes and you said, don't worry, it's going to be ok, i'm here, you're ok now. I just sat there, and you gave me a hug and i cried, i cried with everything in me, and the whole time you sat there rocking back and forth with me, letting me know i was safe, then you looked at me, and it's something i'll never forget, it seemed so real, you said, Everyday you will come against people who try to tear you down, but don't let them get to you, know who you are, and know how you are in Christ. Then you took hold of my hand, and said no matter what, you'll never leave my side, that you love me. Then you gave me a hug, took my hand and said you would sit with me until i feel asleep. I honestly thought someone was holding my hand. After that if was one of my most peaceful sleeps in a long time.

I'm sitting here crying as i write this, the dream blew me away, it felt so real, i really thought you were here with me. You honestly don't know how much you are impacting me, really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. thank you for always being there and willing to comfort me and help me. By you being open and willing, God is using you to bring peace back into my life, thank you. I asked God to somehow show me he was with me, and that things were going to be ok, he chose to use you, and i'm glad.

It just goes to show, that no matter what we face, no matter what we go through, no matter the beating we get, he is right there tapping at our shoulders, telling us it's going to be ok, that he is there with us, and he'll stay with us. While my dream was soo scary, i'm glad it happened, gave me reassurance that God is with me.

What very few know . . .

What very few know is that most nights i cry myself to sleep . . .
What very few know is that i have a heart that is pretty much broken . . .
What very few know is that i long to be happy again, true happiness . . .
What very few know is that sometimes i'm not sure how much longer i can go on like this . . .

My life that little while, while yeah i've had some very good moments, i've also had some very low moments. Everyday i'm hearing what a horrible person i am, how terrible i treat people, how i only care about myself, and what makes me happy, how i'm drawing youth away from our church, how i'm here to serve, not to lead. everyday there is something new or someone new tearing me down, and there is only so much a person is able to take, there is only so many tears to cry. When will this end? When will they see how much they are hurting me? When i'm down on the ground and unable to get back up again? Will the be happy then? Or will they continue to lash out at me like i'm some kind of horrible animal. Yes i know there is a cost in being a disciple of Christ, but never did i imagine it to me like this, never did i imagine my church to tear me down and hurt me this much. God, where are you? What are you doing? Why is this happening?

I'm on my knees, i'm not able to even stand anymore, please please, just come, Please open their eyes and show them what they are doing, please. God, i know there sometimes is a cost to follow you, and yes i'm willing to go through whatever, but please, just help, please just come, wrap me in your presence.

Through all this it makes me think of everything you had to go through us, all the heart ache, all the tearing down, people always saying stuff to you and about you, and yet you took it all so that i could sit here, so that i could live. Blows me away, the cost wasn't too much for you, and it's not going to be too much for me. But please, just open their eyes and let them see their actions, and please if i'm out of line, show me as well. Please help me to love them, despite how i feel.

My True . . .

A true friend sticks with you through the good times, and the bad times . . . (the tears and the laughs - so many)
A true friend isn't afraid to say what you might not want to hear . . . (step out more - listen to others)
A true friend looks from the inside out and doesn't judge you by a glance . . . (accepted me as me)
A true friend will stick by you even when you take a stance . . . (dealing with grief)
A true friend loves you for who YOU ARE and not what you could be . . . (never once did i have to change ME)
A true friend should be closely cherished because only a few exist . . . (you are one of a kind)

Some one asked me the other day that if i found out i was dying, what would be 3 things i'd like to do before i died those 3 things are :
1. Let my family know how much i love them and appreciate them . . .
2. Make sure they have a understanding of who God is, and how much he loves them . . .
3. Make sure my friends - like you - know how much you've changed my life, how much joy you've brought to me, how much laughter . . .

You've changed my life. There is no other way to put it. Never in my wildest dreams did i ever imagine having a friend like you. A friend, that no matter what i'm dealing with, no matter what i'm going through, stays right by my side. There are soooo many miles keeping us apart, yet you still do everything in your power to make sure i have a smile on my face daily - to me that means everything. God has for sure blessed me soo much with this friendship - leaves me in awe wondering how did i deserve someone as great as you in my life - you don't know the honor it is - really.

True friends are hard to come by, sometimes its like looking for a needle in a haystack, makes you tired, disappointed at times, and after searching for so long, after a while you just want to give up - BUT you don't, and then the moment comes when you actually find the needle and the joy it brings you - joy that really has no words - you are my needle in the haystack - and each and everyday you bring joy to my life - each and everyday you teach me - you are my needle, you are my true, you are my friend.

To the world you may simply be one person, but to one person, you may be the world!!
Thank you for being my true.

His Comfort.

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

At some point in all our lives we come up against the feeling of fear. Fear is one of those uncomfortable emotions, one that we would be happy to get rid of with the blink of an eye. It causes our hearts to race, our focus of attention to narrow and terrible possibilities begin to enter into our minds. I don't know about anyone else, but i wish i was just able to banish fear from my heart by my mere will power and just simply stop being afraid, but unfortunately it doesn't work like that for fear, you're not able to dismiss it that easy.

In the above text, there is just something about it that leaves us with this uncomfortable feeling. It's like the words, "do not fear" are a mere command that God is placing out there. It's our job to obey God, and when he says "do not fear," we should obey, but sometimes, no matter how hard we try not to be afraid, we cannot seem to make our fears go away.

The key to understanding this text is to see that when God says, "do no dear," it's not a simply command that he is placing on us as an authority figure. Those three words are words that are spoken with soo much comfort behind them. Just as they are spoken with comfort, following it comes a promise of God's presence being with us, in our times of fear. Just like a loving parent who speaks to their child who wakes up from having a bad dream, they say, "Don't be afraid, I'm here with you, you are safe." The parent isn't rejecting the child's fear, they are giving them a promise of protection. Now if the parent was to say, "Don't be afraid," then the child will learn quickly that the parent doesn't understand that the child is feeling scared and unprotected.

God comforts us in the way that a loving parent comforts a frightened child. God says to us, "I know your afraid; but i also want you to know that I am here with you. I will not leave you, I will give you strength, I will hold your hand so taht you will not fall."

God, you know how often I'm afraid, and you know where these fears have grown from, and you know how much i struggle with wanting to be free from these fears. Please help me to grain the courage and strength from your presence to overcome these fears. Please be with me. Please help me. Please uphold me with your hand.

God it's only now that i'm beginning to feel you more, please show yourself real to me despite the fears i have inside of me. I know your there, I know you haven't left me, and that you never will. God I need you, I want to have more of you in my life. LESS OF ME, AND MORE OF YOU!!!